For the first time in my life, and I feel a little pompous saying this, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I know the answers to the 2 biggest mysteries of all time. I mean, of course, the questions “Who am I?” and “Why am I here?”
I have experienced some form of confusion, anxiety and depression for most, if not all, of my life. When I was about 22 years old, I tried to kill myself. I felt isolated, separate and desperate for approval from others and society in general. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and readily self-medicated with food, alcohol, drugs and pornography. Not so much that it looks like I have a problem, but enough to get rid of the defiance of life.
But I looked good on the outside and used that as a way to feel better about myself as well. I knew I was relatively good looking, charming, articulate and came across as a very nice and kind young man. I usually had a lot of money, and if I didn’t, I was good at getting it.
When I communicated with people, I said things in specific words and in a way that made them like me, as opposed to honest authentic communication. When I try new projects, whether career or hobby, I always stop when the discomfort reaches a certain point. When I was completely honest, I saw that I despised myself.
It hasn’t all been negative, I’ve had amazing experiences and been blessed with deep friendships and people who really care about me. And for as long as I can remember, despite the anxiety and depression, I felt a light inside. I felt my own divinity, but it was so faint and distant. But it was there all the time, which was part of the problem. Deep inside I felt this purpose, this recognition of my true self, this connection to God and power and Love. But feeling that light inside when I was feeling depressed and anxious and failing or quitting at everything I tried had my confidence at an all time low and I was ready to give up on life.
This surrender was not another suicide attempt, it would be to stop looking for the light. It would be finding an attractive woman to marry, getting a secure and comfortable corporate job, buying a house and learning about retirement savings and mortgage rates and taking annual leave and buying way too much crap I didn’t need.
Then I found a course in miracles (now referred to as ACIM or The Course) and everything changed. I first downloaded what The Course was saying by reading a book called The Disappearance of the Universe (DOTU) by Gary Renard. I was also blessed to be surrounded by a community of people who were also studying the Course and got some great tips and advice which I will mention briefly. However, the first piece of advice was to read the book.
While reading DOTA, I learned (or was reminded) that this reality, including the Earth and the entire universe, was not created by God. Now, I was raised Christian, which means my parents took us to church and Sunday school, but I saw that they took us out of obligation more than out of respect and faith. They were simply fulfilling their parental duty to let organized religion teach their children about right and wrong. Reading that God did not create this reality was in line with the very reasons I ended up turning my back on organized religion. There were too many unanswered questions and contradictions. For me, the Course is free of unanswered questions and contradictions. I was reminded that WE (you and I and everyone else, together as One) created this dream world to hide from God because we wrongly believe that we have somehow separated ourselves from God.
I understand this may sound strange, but the purpose of this writing is not to sell anyone on the Course, nor to go into detail explaining what the Course is, I just felt inspired to share how ACIM has guided me in healing blocks or wounds in my mind . Once I understood that I was projecting my reality, and that ALL my guilt (and all the negative versions of that guilt – shame, fear, hatred, all of it) stemmed from believing that I had separated myself from God, from my source. I got deeper into studying the Course and saw that it was like a mental map, a map to the subconscious complete with the promise that all my pain could be given to Spirit.
It’s been a bumpy ride for sure, but now I feel in my mind and feel the darkness, wounds or blocks that remain. Now I get excited every time I find myself judging myself or someone else as an opportunity for healing.
I am reminded that we are all pure Spirit, safe at home in God’s arms, but dreaming this dream that we believe is real.
I remind you that at any moment there is only one choice possible, and that is the choice between Love and fear.
I remind myself that in my mind, at least in this dream reality, there are only two guides. The Holy Spirit (intuition) is the guide for Love and the ego (our identity as the body) is the guide for fear. At any moment we have the opportunity to choose our teacher. Only Love is real, but because we believe in the ego, we make it seem real.
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